If I had a million dollars...

`If I had that kind of money, I probably wouldn't be writing this blog!  I feel like so much worry and anxiety is rooted in money - not having enough, not making enough at work, bills, health, future children, etc.  It's quite a bit to handle at times.

Now, I may or may not have orchestrated a Powelball pool at my office  (definitely did.). My husband thinks it's because I like wasting money.  But really, it's just so fun to dream what you could do with that kind of money.  I've heard the horror stories and seen the ESPN 30 for 30 documentary Broke about athletes who make millions and can't afford to pay for dinner.  Those precautionary tales tell me what not to do, and that would be spend it.  It's not like I would sit and stare at my millions (although I might for a bit.). I have a spending to-do list I've been keeping in my head, and since I won't actually get to execute it, I might as well share it with you.

1. Pay off my student loan debt.

2. Pay off our mortgage.

3. Pay off my car.

4. Pay off credit card debt.

5. Purchase multi-year membership to the gym that I can't generally afford because you pay up front.

6. Set aside money for college for our future, unborn children.

7. Donate to charity, including the Montco SPCA where we adopted our dog. 

8. Pay off bfff's student load debt and treat her to the wedding of her dreams.

9. Try to convince my parents to accept money for a house.  Don't get mad when they refuse.

10. Have a vacation fund and take one amazing trip every year to a place on our must see list.

11. Household projects we can't afford righ now - Meticulously landscape our yard, paint the house, new furniture, etc.

I would also let myself have a certain amount of money to go on a rich person shopping spree.  That means you go shopping and don't look at the price tags.  You shop solely on whether you like something or not, if it fits or not, and not that it costs more than you make in a week.  One thing I wouldn't do is quit my job.  In the dream world where I split the jackpot evenly with my coworkers, I don't think my share would be enough to stop working forever.  Besides, I would get bored.  I may be more likely to take a chance on a LTS position within a school district, in the event that it didn't work out, we wouldn't be at risk of missing a mortgage payment or something.  

it's so much fun to dream about how I could possibly spend 50 million dollars.  Truth is, I know it won't be me.  I'm not that far gone into the lottery fantasy.  But for a fleeting few days, the thought of being debt free and not worrying about mortgage payments, student loans and credit cards is enough to get me to toss in some cash.  You definitely won't win if you don't buy in.

Reading Challenge 2016

The impetus for this entire adventure was blogging about my journey to tackle the PopSugar Reading Challenge.  Of course I meant to be super on top of this and try to write a few times a week, and yet, here we are. 

I am happy to report that I have been reading.  I even resurrected my 'ancient' Nook for this adventure.  My first book satisfies 'A book more than 100 years older than you,' and I chose to read Sense and Sensability by Jane Austin.  I read Emma in high school, love it, but never ventured to Austin's other works.  So far, I am loving it.  Marianne frustrates me, and I find myself agreeing mostly with Elinor's pragmatic take on the happenings.  Also, the Miss Steeles!  They swoop in like they own the place

I'm about halfway through, and I have my own hopes for how things turn out.  I also can't wait to watch the movie once I'm finished.  It's fun to picture Emma Thompson and Kate Winslet as Elinor and Marianne. 

This week I finally came off the library wait list for The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, for which I have been on the wait list for at least four months.  This will be my next book, and will be my 'self-improvement book.'  We have so much stuff in the house and while I've heard the tactics from the book are rather extreme, I hope it will motivate me to clear out some junk once and for all. 

Until the next time I remember to write!

How Exactly Did I Get Here?

The thought of blogging scares me somehow.  Or rather, the thought of blogging and somehow failing at it scares me.  I always wished I was the type of person to keep a written record of the monotony of my daily life. I've started and stopped journaling about a hundred times it feels like - in notebooks, on livejournal, or just in a google doc, always being sure to destroy the evidence afterwards.

This time, the impetus to journal, via blogging, came from my best friend.  Here is a transcript of the conversation:

Me: I think I want to do a reading challenge for 2016
Kat: You should blog about it
Me: Or I'll just text you about it.  Same amount of people would read it.
Kat: Even if no one reads it I bet it would be therapeutic

And it was then I paused.  Ever since I made the jump last year to tackling my anxieties head on, I have been on the look out for ways to 'find my zen,' which has always proven to be so elusive.  I have no chill, many days I just simply cannot, and I actively dislike being on edge 24/7.  And once I realized the counselor in me was not going to be able to fix myself, I sought help.  Since then I have been trying to build on the progress I made in many ways.  I run, which helps me not want to hit people.  I crochet, which keeps my hands busy and provides a warm item at the end, a physical relic of channeling my anxiety.  I also read, which provides a momentary escape from whatever is going on in my life currently.

Late in 2015, after I had finished my first marathon, I put running aside for a bit.  Number one, I was TIRED.  Number two, I was tired of being a slave to my training schedule, long runs and a constant hunger that lingered for the entire 5 month training cycle.  I had all this free time, which of course was filled up with anxiety, worry, and a general feeling of being a waste of space.  I realized how important running was to me in terms of my mental health in addition to my physical well-being.  After all, those ten post marathon pounds didn't gain themselves, and my anxiety didn't just magically reappear in October for no reason.

Which leads me here.  I know, New Years resolutions are stupid.  I'm not sure why I actually listed to my best friend when she said to blog  But I have to admit, there's something therapeutic about getting thoughts out of your head and onto some other medium.  Even just this right here has made the spiky orange elephant in my chest (aka my anxiety) get a little smaller and less spiky.

I'm not making a New Years resolution to become a blogger, or even a resolution to blog.  I am going to make a commitment to myself to see blogging as a possible outlet for my anxiety and to write about the things I do to combat the spiky orange elephant  - mainly running, reading, and crocheting, and any other anxiety busters along the way.  

Its kind of interesting to know that no one is reading this, but it somehow makes me feel better that someone conceivably could read it and understand.